extract from “the operation” by tom toronto (2010)

“the surgery was a complete success! my legs are where my ears used to be, my hands have replaced my elbows and they even fixed that bucktooth of mine. it’s a vast improvement on the scales i was given at birth. the doctor told me i was a ‘triumph’, a ‘medical first’ and ‘the most wonderful abomination [she'd] ever seen’. she even asked me out on a date!!! but her taste in music was sub-dreadful nouveau riche splutter butter (i know because i suffered through it during the entire operation[!]) so i declined. anyway, with the new changes, dating’s going to be a cinch. so if you’re single, you have my email and now you have my photographs…!!”